What do I say to someone with cancer?
Two weeks into my chemo treatment, when my hair fell out in one afternoon, I told 150+ of my nearest and dearest Instagram friends I had cancer. I couldn’t have been more horrified. I didn’t want to be the cancer girl. I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me or treating me differently. I wanted to be me: Strong, fit, and capable. But a bald me was obviously not me, so I shared my horrible news and was shocked by the number of personal messages of care and support I received.
There is no right way to take cancer news and no real right thing to say to someone who has just been diagnosed with cancer. I want this to really sink in, because if you’re unfortunate enough to know someone who has cancer, you’re probably going to feel sick with worry about how you should react, what you should say, and what you should do.
I had varied responses from silence to crying; and found myself supporting the person I was telling quite often. Which, in hindsight, feels messed up – I was the one dealing with possible death – but I get it, it’s shocking when you first hear I’ve got cancer!
There is no right thing to say when someone is diagnosed with cancer. No-one wants cancer. No-one wants a young, healthy, happy person to be struck down with cancer. No-one wants to imagine what happens if treatment doesn’t work. But one thing that was better than not was people reaching out to support me. Out of all the ‘not so great’ things that were said (some listed below), it was the people I expected to reach out but didn’t that hurt.
I know you’re scared you’ll say something unhelpful to someone diagnosed with cancer because you’re not going through it yourself. But please don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s better not to reach out just because you don’t know what to say. I can promise you, no matter who they are – what personality type, diagnosis, prognosis, age or gender – every single person who receives a cancer diagnosis and the news they might die will feel better knowing they matter to you.
Call it what it is - Shit. Tell them you love them. Say what you will do for them to help them get through this - or even better, just do it. Don’t downplay it or try to be too positive - Fact is, none of us know what will happen, and we’re not focused on the happy ending when we’re shocked and in disbelief. Read them - Do they want to laugh? Cry? Avoid the subject? Do something fun? Do something silly? Ask them if you’re not sure. Just please: Let them know they’re still the important, wonderful, competent, kickass person they’ve always been to you. They need to hear it!
If you really want to help them, buy them a practice gift that helps them during and after treatment. My Own Your Chemo kits are the perfect gift to give young women diagnosed with Cancer. They contain the products and tips that were most helpful in managing my horrific chemotherapy side-effects and provide a short-cut for her to control her side-effects. In my one-on-one Own Your Chemo Sessions, I coach women on what to expect during chemo and how to make changes that help her body during treatment.
