How do I help my friend with cancer?
While it’s important to reach out to someone who has just been diagnosed with cancer and it’s hard to know what to say – here’s a nugget of advice I promise will help throughout your life.
Please don’t compare the person’s cancer to anyone else’s. It’s not particularly comforting for the people who are in shock and uncertainty. Whilst intended to be positive, the brain chatter it creates after you leave is exhausting (and trust me, we already have exhausting chemotherapy side-effects on top of the ongoing worry we might die - Let’s not add more).
What you quickly start to discover when you’re personally going through cancer is that everyone is different. Different type, stage, size, age, genes, doctors, hospitals, and a whole bunch of ‘unknown’ means you can’t compare anyone’s journey. The biggest thing that quickly disappointed me was hearing so many women have survived breast cancer and live into old age. Hearing the five-year survival rate is over 90% for early breast cancer patients. The problem is those stories and stats don’t take your personal details into account. For me, a 2cm, stage 2, grade 3, triple negative tumour at 33 meant I wasn’t in the 90%. I remember my surgeon saying there was no real advantage to having a double mastectomy because triple negative breast cancer was more likely to recur somewhere else, not my breasts. At the time that was a relief. But when I realised where that somewhere else was – lungs, brain, liver, bones - not so much!
I came across lots of wonderfully intentioned people telling me about friends, aunties, and next-door neighbours who survived Breast Cancer years ago, and whilst more helpful than those who told me someone they knew sadly died from Breast Cancer (seriously DON’T ever say that) it was unhelpful, because all I could think was ‘that’s not me’, ‘that’s not me’.
The most helpful thing I heard was ‘That’s horrible Elise. Let me help by…’ This is important, because ‘how can I help?’ is asking me to think for you when I’m overwhelmed and exhausted. Telling me how you can help with my cancer treatment is best.
The best gift for women undergoing chemo is to help them control side effects. Own Your Chemo Care kit – Essentials are designed specifically for female cancer patients and include a designer Bravery Co headscarf, Moo Goo skincare products, Dry Mouthwash, eye mask, earplugs and tips on controlling side effects and improving health. In my one-on-one Own Your Chemo Sessions, I coach women on what to expect during chemo and how to make changes that help her body during treatment.
If a young woman you know gets cancer, aside from buying her an Own Your Chemo Care Kit or Own Your Chemo Session, think about what you would need on the most painful, lethargic, scary day of your life. Imagine you’ll feel ugly. Find it hard to think, speak and remember. Hard to want to smile. Hard to leave the house. Hard to socialise and talk about ‘normal’ stuff we complain about. Hard to keep working but you need to pay bills.
Flowers are pretty but they won’t feed you. People undergoing cancer treatment need delivered meals, uber rides to appointments, oncology massage, a chemo buddy, a clean house, their dog walked or children looked after. Bring them food or coffee and just sit with them. Think of the things you wouldn’t feel like doing and just do them!
